Looks like my impromptu vacation to Florida was well timed. My grandmother passed away last night. Everything else is chaos in planning, but it looks like the funeral will be next Tuesday here in NJ.

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LONG –

This weekend was K&Q Fencing champions in Panther Vale (White River Junction, VT). The executive summary is that many of us from the local area headed up to the tournament and it was ultimately won by Lord Griffith, our new King’s Champion. The Queen’s Champion was announced as Don Collin Monro. That means that both the King’s and Queen’s Champion are part of our household, the Tadcaster Militia. Way to go us!

I’m sure others will astound you with tales of our travels and other events and fighting throughout the day. Instead, I’m going to write about a personal decision I made, how it affected my fencing career and why I made it. Saturday, after going 10-1, and having an opportunity to fight in the finals, I withdrew from the tournament.

When I started getting really serious about SCA fencing in college, I added K&Q fencing champions to my list of ‘must attend events’. I don’t have very many of those, because you have to be fluid with your SCA event scheduling and conflicts. The fencing championship, however, was set apart as something I always wanted to attend. It was a culmination of the previous years’ hard work. It was a way to test my skills and training against others from around the kingdom. It was the premiere fencing event of the kingdom, and if you were serious about progressing as a fencer, it is the kind of event that you shouldn’t miss.

Even if I had no hope of actually winning, I continued to enter. My first years I didn’t even make it out of my early elimination rounds. As I got better, my records started shifting into the positive win percentages and I started advancing further and further. Then I started making the top 16 fairly consistently, and a few times even further than that. As I became a teacher and an OGR, I always encouraged all the fencers in my area to attend K&Q if at all possible. I felt that they experience they gained was very important to them.

Consequently, I don’t remember the last time I missed a K&Q fencing championship. When the event is announced each year, there isn’t a question of “am I going to go”, but “what plans do we need to make to get there”. Sometimes its local and easy, sometimes its far away (a la Canada) and harder to deal with. But come hell or high water, it’s very important to me to enter.

I had the single best day of fencing so far in 18 years on Saturday. I was spot on, going 6-1 in my round robin and then winning my next four bouts in the single elimination portion of the day. I entered the tournament for the same reason I had entered every year in the past. There was always the desire to see yourself go as far as possible, and however small the hope, the desire to actually win the tournament. Yet, as every K&Q tournament in the past had proven, I hadn’t actually been able to win. The competition was always better than me. They always capitalized on my mistakes or I didn’t do enough to take advantage of theirs.

I certainly didn’t expect to win, yet I entered and gave it the same 110% I always gave it. Things fell in line for me, and next thing I knew I had made it into the top three. The tournament was designed as a single elimination until the finals, but because of the distribution of bouts, we ended up with an odd number at the end, and were going to have to fight in a round robin style.

Reality was staring me in the face. Here I was, within arms reach of obtaining a goal I had set for myself years and years ago. It was what I wanted.

Or was it?

It’s 2008. Alot has changed in the years since I first set that goal. Most important to me is that I am now a father and I have 2.5 year old twins. I’ve made a commitment to my family that I want to be there for them and to help raise them. My wife has also taken on the responsibility of being the Kingdom Exchequer. This is a huge responsibility and directs impacts the ability of others to enjoy and play this game. It always requires alot of time and huge commitment from her. So much so, that when she first took the position, we had a long discussion about how it would impact our lives. We talked it over Baron Larry and Baroness Katherine. Having both been in the position of being a kingdom officer and parent, they had insight into the possibility of conflicts. Ultimately, we decided that we could make things work if we agreed to adjust our schedules accordingly.

Over the last two years, I’ve made many sacrifices to my fencing/sca career because of being a father and husband to a kingdom officer. I’ve skipped events I might normally have attended, I’ve not entered tournaments I may normally have entered, I’ve left events early. Yet, I made those choices willingly and I do not regret them. We’ve done our best to try and juggle everything. Would I have liked to enter more tournaments at Pennsic? Absolutely! Am I happy that I was only able to enter the more important war points? Yes. The flipside would have been not to be able to play at all. I’m happy taking ‘some’ rather than ‘none’. This won’t always be the case. My children won’t always need as much attention. My wife won’t always be a Kingdom Officer (or so help me…). Time will pass.

Now, here I was, with the chance to actually become a King’s Champion, and took a look at the commitments I had already made in my life. Did I really need to add another one? How would the new commitments being a King’s Champion impact those already made? I would want to be the best Champion possible and I didn’t feel that I could be.

So, I decided that I would withdraw from the tournament, rather than risk the chance that I might succeed at my goal. This had the side benefit of allowing the other two combatants to fight in the format originally intended. I let a few people know that I had made that decision, and then went ahead with it. They each knew how tough it was for me, yet they each knew why I was making the choice. Once again, Baroness Katherine was one of those who knew of my decision and supported it, as she had done with Molly and I over a year ago when Molly started his new office.

What’s funny is that while the decision to follow through had to be made in a moment, it was one that I had actually made several weeks before. Remember that I said there was always the “small hope that I might actually win” each time I entered? Well, even with a small hope, you should prepare for the “what if”. I knew that if I actually got into this position, that I wouldn’t be able to complete it — I just never thought I would actually get there. It mulled around in my subconscious. I even dreamed about it (funny thing, that..). I told Collin about the dream on the way up to the event. Though in the dream it was me and Don Caine in the finals, and I bowed out because he had beaten in my our pre-Iron Teapot challenge this past year. Collin told me I’d be crazy to give up like that when I was so close – especially against Caine. It really didn’t matter.. I wouldn’t actually *get* to that position to have to worry about it.

I went before Queen, pledging my sword in service to the Crown, while explaining that prior commitments would prevent me from being the Champion that I wanted to be. She accepted my pledge and my resignation, and (as a parent) said that she understood.

Don Alexandre, who was making all the tournament announcements, asked if he should say why I withdrew. I had no problem with that. It wasn’t something I was ashamed of, and others had a right to know. So, he let the crowd know that we would be proceeding with only two fighters and that I had withdrawn for “familial commitments”.

I was content. I had no stress. All the adrenaline was gone and I relaxed. I took off my armor and watched the rest of the finals. Several people came up and asked me what happened and I explained. Each of them seemed to understand why I made the choice that I did.

Then, a bit later. Something strange happened. It was brought to my attention that what I did could be considered tacky. Why would I even enter the tournament in the first place, if I didn’t want to win it. How about the possibility that I offended the crown with my actions. This wasn’t a single sentiment, but one shared by several people. What about all the people who didn’t have the chance to advance because of the impact I had on the tournament?

My world turned upside down. I started questioning the choices that I had made and got very upset that I had, in fact, offended people. I stood firm on the reasons why I did what I did, but inside… down deep… for the first time… I began to feel that I was wrong.

I ran the scenarios through my head and tracked down others that were in the semi and quarter finals with me to discuss my decisions. I went to talk to the Queen, to get confirmation that I didn’t offend her, and that it was never my intent. She’s a strong woman, and very confidently told me that if I offended her, she would let me know.

It’s not easy meeting your friends in competition. One of the best fights I had all day was with one of my best friends Steve. We’ve trained together, laughed together, cried together. He was the best man at my wedding. Yet, because of my actions, when we met in the semi finals, I won and eliminated him. Later, in the quarterfinals, I eliminated another friend, fierce competitor, and former King’s Champion JP. We’ve always had great bouts over the years and regularly take turns killing each other.

As I fought them, though, it never bothered me that they were eliminated. We shook hands before the fight. We shook hands after the fight. I had set the same goals that they had. I had the same obstacles set before me. Yet, for this day, I had overcome those obstacles while they had not. That’s the nature of competition.

Now, though, I needed to go to each of them and discuss my withdraw and how it affected them. I had never thought I would have needed to. But, if I offended some people, then I could certainly have offended them and it needed to be reconciled.

For the rest of the day, I found my justifying my choices to those around me. I sought out those I needed to have discussions with. I reached out for support and understanding among those who I knew I would find it in. I talked at the event, in the car, at dinner, the next day. It continued to haunt me.

Here’s what I came up with as a result of those discussions:

I did the right thing.

Don Ian was instrumental in helping me express in words some of the feelings I was having. He’s been there. He knows what it was like. I hope he doesn’t mind me saying this, but he entered several K&Q tournaments knowing his own commitments would keep him from winning. He had “the speech” prepared, but never had the need to actually say it. Once, he was one fight away from being in that position, and then lost. He told me that he didn’t know how he would done it, but knew that he needed to — and that he knew how hard it was for me.

I didn’t enter the tournament for the purpose of eliminating others. While that has certainly been a practice in such big heavy weapons tournaments such as Crown. That wasn’t my intent. I entered for my own goals, not to stop the goals of others.

He also let me know that my presence in the tournament made it a better one. I agree. Being the King’s Champion means that you beat the best. Sure, people can play the “what if” game all day long. What if I wasn’t there? What if so-n-so beat so-n-so? What if someone got hurt, or showed up and entered when they weren’t expected? What if that person didn’t have the face the destructive bye, or if the tree of pairings aligned differently?

I may not have been there in the end, but at each point in the journey, I was there. I was an obstacle to overcome. If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else. Would you have won? Maybe. Would you have lost? Maybe. You can’t predict the possible future, though it’s often easier to play the what if game after you see the outcome.

Jean later quoted our guilty pleasure movie Bring it On to me and said that “If you want to be the best you have to have the best”. The cheerleaders had the opportunity to win the National championships, but they knew that their best competition couldn’t be there and that they wouldn’t have to face them. Does that really make them the best? Did they really rise to the occasion and prove it? They went so far as to try and get the other team there just so that they would have to face them. Ultimately they did. And they lost. But they were all the better for it.

Baroness Katherine told me, “It doesn’t have be all or none”. I don’t have to give up everything in order to be a family man with SCA commitments. I can take what I get, and portions there of. I shouldn’t prevent myself from enjoying what’s made available to me. I should enter a tournament if I can, rather than avoiding it altogether because of a small chance of a conflict.

Will I have the opportunity to fight in K&Q again? Absolutely. Will all my stars be in alignment and give me the opportunity to reach my goal sometime in the future? Who knows. I certainly want to believe that while I get older I can still compete competitively. Even if it never does. Even if I get injured. Even if I just happened to be at the pinnacle of my skills this year.

It doesn’t matter. You need to live for the here and now. You have to live with the choices you make. You need to be happy with those choices and stop second guessing yourself or you’re going to be be very unhappy. Doubts are ok, but ultimately you need to support your own decision and stand firm with it.

I had my doubts, but I’ve also reached my decision and I stand by it.

I’m glad I entered.

I’m glad I had the opportunity to test my skills against others, including close friends.

I’m glad I got as far as I did.

I’m glad I’m a father.

I’m glad I’m a husband.

I’m glad I withdrew.

I’m glad I’m going to enter again next year.

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Last night our family sat around and watched old movies. There was some really funny stuff and we saw alot of faces of family and friends who are no longer with us.

One of my favorites was Christmas 1991. My grandmother (on my mom’s side) was still with us, as was my Dad’s twin, Harry. Towards the end of the evening, we all start singing Christmas carols. However, in typical Bachen fashion, we proceeded to make fools of ourselves by making reindeer antlers with our hands and holding red Christmas ornaments in front of our noses as we sung Rudolph. It was a really warm feeling to see our family all together having such a great time.

Later, we watched a family reunion from 1995. At one point it must have gotten colder, so I switched out of my overalls (which earned me the nickname HeeHaw all night) and into a fleece pullover. My sister starting laughing hysterically as she realized that I wore that *very fleece* on the plane ride to Florida. She made me go upstairs and put it on to ‘recreate’ the original shot. My cousin Nick was below me and holding a replica red guitar (Guitar Hero stand-in). It’s a little out of focus, but you get the basic idea. We all laughed for hours. It’s 12 years old and it’s comfortable, so why wouldn’t I wear it? In fact, its starting to tear in the shoulder, in the actual fabric itself, not a seam, so it’s hard to repair. My sister tells me though I should have retired it after 5 years. Obviously I disagree.

Watching videos immediately after an event is fun, but can also be boring. Watching them 10 or 15 years later and laughing and reminiscing is a wonderful experience. I’m glad I was here and part of it. My grandmother enjoyed it too. Sometimes she would argue about who was in a picture or what event it was (and she was always wrong), but other times she was spot on with recognizing who people were. She was especially good at remembering those who had already passed away. The older they were (and obviously the further back in her memory), the better the chance. I know she was glad we all sat around watching them.

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I’m down in Ft. Lauderdale today. My grandmother has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and is quickly taking a turn for the worse. My dad has been coming down here regularly for other affairs, and so he planned on coming this weekend with my sister (joining him from NC). After talking with my aunt late last week, I got the honest answer that if I didn’t visit relatively soon, the next time I might see her would be at her funeral.

Jean and I talked it over, and it really came down to this question – “If you don’t see her again before she dies, would you be ok with that for the rest of your life.” Ultimately, the answer was no. So I quickly made my own plans to join them on their trip. Then, we throw one more into the mix, and my cousin Nick comes along too. I called my boss at home to let him know what was going on and that I wanted to take some vacation time on really short notice and would he be ok with that. He was, and so the plane tickets were purchased on Saturday.

So the 4 of us arrived Thursday night. My sister much later than the rest of us flying out of ACY, because she kept getting delayed out of NC.

We stopped to see my grandmother on the way home from the airport. It was about 7:45p, and she was already asleep. She sleeps alot right now, sometimes as much as 16 hours a day.

Yesterday, they took her to a Doctors appt to review some recent bloodwork. Her numbers were really elevated in the kidney functions, and she might be moving into kidney failure. She’s got an upcoming appt. with the oncologist, but since he is going to want additional bloodwork for the kidneys too, the Dr. they were visiting arranged for some more bloodwork and followup tests.

After the appt. they came back here (my uncle’s house where I am staying), and she spent the afternoon with us. She’s lost so much weight. She can’t walk without a walker anymore, and even then, every step is precarious. She’s also been suffering with senile dementia for the last 9 months, so that’s making things even more interesting. One could assume that part of the senility is related to cancer in the brain, but no Dr. has made that formal analysis – although that specifically wasn’t investigated. At this point, it’s not going to change anything, it’s just for information on why her behavior is the way it is.

She forgets who people are. She makes up stories and events. She starts sentences that appear coherent, but by the end have thoughts that are no longer related to the conversation. It was ok yesterday. She recognized me, and she saw the pictures of the twins, but I’m not entirely sure she knew their names. When they were at the Doctors, at one point she asked why she was there. My uncle Steve finally told her it was because she had cancer. She was sad for a minute and asked what now. Steve told her that they had more tests and they would do what they could. 5 minutes later, when they went into another room for some additional bloodwork, she had already forgotten their conversation and was looking for her missing camera.

So it’s about 9 am now. I was only up until 1:15a  last night, as I am on a different schedule than everyone else. My dad, sister, and cousin were up until 4a talking, so they are still sleeping now. I’m up in the loft listening to a podcast on my kids’ Ipod masking the filter of the turtle’s aquarium.

She’s coming back again today for the afternoon, so I’ll have a chance to spend some more time with her. I’m here until Monday night for our flight back and will be getting in late.

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I was just discussing with Jean the other day  about how having twins born on different days (separated by midnight) would be strange, but how about being born in different years!

Sure enough, it happened to this family, who managed to provide 2007′s last baby born, and 2008′s first.

Shelby Utley of Bloomington is the proud mother of a baby born on New Year’s Eve – and another born on New Year’s Day.

The father makes an obnoxious attempt at humor regarding his accountant, but I’m sure that’s because the sleeplessness is already setting in.

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As Jean was thinking about our holidays and Christmas morning, I got to thinking about how I handled the morning.

The twins were up at 7:30am and started the day opening presents VERY SLOWLY! They liked to open one and then play with it, ignoring all the rest.

By the time they went down for their nap at 1:30p, only half of the gifts were opened. It was driving me nuts. I just wanted to tear them all open myself and say “See? Isn’t this a wonderful gift? Aren’t you glad you opened this one too!”

When they woke up, and after dinner they opened 2 more! That’s it! I want to tear my hair out… We’re going to be opening gifts all week.

I love their innocence and happiness. They didn’t need 4711 gifts. They aren’t consumed with the need to have more or the commercialism of the holidays. I’ve been too far corrupted for there to be any help for me, but maybe my kids will do better.

Their joy with opening a gift and just wanting to play with it above everything else is refreshing. I’m enjoying it (even if I’ve led you to believe otherwise).

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I was inspired by Megan’s post to take a few moments and mention some moments about my kids that I want to remember for this month. Both my wife and I blog now, and while we both have the desire to keep track of how things are going in our kids lives, our blog posts also include the chaos of the rest of our lives and the world in general. Sometimes it takes too much time to actually sit down and compose a full post. I don’t do many one or two  line entries  like other friends, but there’s a certain amount of freedom that gives you in just ‘capturing the moment’.

So for this month, here’s the things that I want to remember:

Connor is still struggling with his letters and words verbally, though his sign vocabulary continues to grow. One word that he does say is ‘Ah pull’ (Apple). Last week, Jean asked him if wanted a cookie, as she’d recently made a batch of fresh apple cookies. Connor looks at her and says “Ah pull” and then signs the word ‘cookie’. So he’s combined two methods of communication to get his point across.

Alia likes to give hugs and snuggle more than Connor. If you ask him, he’ll give you one, but not as unprompted as her. I was sitting on the couch Saturday watching the remaining episodes of Picket Fences (Season 1), while Jean was away doing exchequer training. Alia was playing at the table reading a book and I just happened to glance over at her. She saw me, smiled, put down her book, ran over and gave my leg a quick hug.

One for each of them. I’ll let Jean post one each as well and then we’ll have a whole honking 4 posted memories of our children who are growing up way to fast. Here’s the flipside, 20 years from now, I might not have remembered those particular moments, but this entry ‘will’, and I’ll look back and smile all over again.

Current Mood:  refreshed

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FYI: Long post

I really detest the sales practice I’m going to call ‘hidden bundling’. I’m not sure what the actual term is, but it’s certain not upselling. When you upsell, you add-on *additional* items that the customer may not have thought about, but make the overall sale more profitable. It might be an appetizer or dessert at a restaurant, or it may be additional memory for your computer, or a carrying case for the nice new spiffy MP3 player you bought. In all these cases, you get what you wanted, and then the salesman gets you to buy something extra.

That’s *good* salesmanship.

The process of hidden bundling is covert and sneaky. I know why it’s done, because I was forced to do it. Many moons ago, I worked at the Camera Shop. With all the cameras we sold extended warranties. As salesmen, we were measured on the amount of extended warranties we sold. If you sold someone a camera and told them they had a 1 year warranty on it, but they could buy an additional 2 year extended warranty for $X, you had a much harder sell than if you simply sold them the camera with a 3 year warranty and had the ext. warranty already ‘priced in’.

Now, the astute customers already knew what the cost of the camera was, as they had shopped around. And when you tell them the price, and they notice its higher than other shops, they would question as to why we were higher. Then you’d explain about ours having a 3 year warranty, and when they said they only wanted 1, you’d take ‘away’ the ext. warranty, price match, and still get the sale.

Others would look at their receipt, see the price of the camera, and then an additional line which said extended warranty $X, and question it there. Often you’d just tell them that’s the way it was rung up. Occasionally, they would ask to remove the ext. warranty and save the extra $.

More often than not, though, you’d see the bundled item, never let the customer know they *had* a choice, and get your sales numbers up. Was the ext. warranty a good thing? It may have been to some, and not to others. The point isn’t the value of the bundled item, it’s the fact that you never gave the customer a choice.

So that brings us to 2007. My father had the luxury of dealing with a horned salesman at the Verizon Wireless store the other day. I go over to see him for lunch and he tells me he upgraded his phone. It only cost him $50 after a mail in rebate. He didn’t get the bluetooth just the headset that came with it for free, as he was going to get a bluetooth headset from his nephew.

At that point, the bells started going off. I deal with cell phones alot, and I know that they don’t *come* with a headset, or a case, or a car charger. Those are the items that they normally try and upsell you. There is a huge profit margin there, and that’s where Verizon and the salesman made extra money.

Are you sure they came with it Dad? You didn’t pay extra for it. No, he tells me. The phone was $50 and it included all those things. I saw the scam already developing, and I don’t mind calling it a scam. I asked him to find his receipt and looked it over.

Sure enough. The phone was free (because of his contract renewal), and the headset, case, and car charger were all rung up separately equating to $49.99 – the cost of the add-on package. “Dad”, I asked. “Why is the case in the bag?” Because he didn’t plan on using it either. He got a RAZR and was just going to keep it in his pocket. So now, he’s got a $19.99 headset he wasn’t planning on using and a $9.99 plastic case he wasn’t going to use either. When he found out how they were rung up, he got pissed — and had every right to be. He’s planning on taking them back and getting his money refunded.

Unfortunately, my father was the exact same kind of person we used to prey on during my camera selling days. They aren’t quite as technically savvy as they could be, and by portraying a scenario which makes them thing they are *getting a deal*, they walk away happy, and don’t even bother to double check anything is out of the ordinary. He was told the phone was $50 and included those items, so when his bill was $116 (before the 50 mail in rebate), it was exactly what he expected it to be — and no flags went up.

The salesman should have *told* him the phone was free, and given him the *option* of buying the kit. A good salesman would have pointed out that they kit was much more economical than buying the individual parts, that you were required by NJ law to use a handsfree kit or headset in the car, etc. Then, he still may make the sale, but the customer is informed. In my dad’s case, he still would have bought the car charger. Even though it wasn’t as good as a deal, it was the only component he needed from the kit.

Instead, the salesman used deceptive techniques to sell someone something they didn’t need or want, but made them think it was ok.

I almost want to get the receipt myself, find out the salesman’s name, and go speak to his manager about it. Hopefully the manager would see it my way, and not be the one who taught his salesman the ‘trick’ in the first place.

Current Mood:  angry

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